Path to Enlightenment

[*Archangel]

Kiera's nightly prayers have been less and less frequent, and certainly less enthusiastic. She knows she can't afford to lose her powers now, not until she captures the fugitive, but she keeps seeing the faces of her friends before she starts. She pushes them away, forcing her disciplined mind to shut them out before opening herself to Loviatar. She is rarely scared, but there is real fear when she imagines her Mistress seeing the feelings she has developed for others.

The last few days have been difficult. A namer she was disciplining brought up the ad Kiera had placed for an apprentice. The namer made it clear she knew what Kiera had meant, but the pain maiden had lost all intention of taking on any other slaves. The temptation, however, had been strong. She wanted to take that woman, impose her will over the other, and bring her to the Maiden in subjugate glory.

Add to that, Lily had come by again and Kiera saw, more than ever, how dark she had been in the ruthless hin. Lily spoke of purging the hive in retribution for the attack on Kiera. Her ideas did seem sound, to one part of Kiera's heart, but the other part was repulsed by the desire to seek vengeance, even on the innocent.

She used that to drive her devotions that night. Punishing her temptations, giving in to savagery against herself, for her own lapses. The temptations and changes were threatening to tear her apart inside, so she turned that to the outside until she passed out from shock and pain, her last thought was hope that her devotions were enough to keep her distant Goddess appeased just a little longer.

[*Midnight]

As she searches her recollections through the self inflicted pain there comes another hazy memory. Sometime before her return to Sigil there was pain too. More than even she could handle. There there was light, a soothing touch healing words and another way. There was another way? There was another way. What was it? She has forgotten. Here is the pain again.

[*Archangel]

Waking up from the fitful dreams caused by her own doubts, and the strange visions during her prayers, Kiera dresses in her armor and gathers her gear. She's too busy to dwell on it, and the lack of good sleep over the last few days has made her irritable. She forces her mind to calm, conjuring an image in her head of the last time her and Chari spoke, and the other's smile. It helps, and she heads out to tackle the day's duties.

[*Archangel]

Kiera woke with a start at the faint voice echoing in her head from the sending. Rubbing her face she considered the words, an invitation to dinner. Something so benign, but carrying with it a heavy weight. Chari's face still passed through her mind, but she hadn't seen the paladin in weeks now, and didn't know if she ever would. So much of her life had changed because of Chari, and so much more to change...Could Kiera do this? What would it hurt? If Chari never returned wouldn't it still be best to move on with her plan?

Kiera shuffled to her desk and penned a quick response, opening her door to summon her aide from the adjoining room.

"Take this to the Lady Lys," Kiera hands the aide the note.

"Ma'am? I don't know Lady Lys, or where she resides," the aide says, a little nervous and unsettled at Kiera's state of groggy undress.

"Find her," Kiera growls. "She was last in the company of Khari of the Weary Spirit, check there...and cover your uniform before you do."

Kierisen shuts the door abruptly, going back to bed, but no longer sleeping. She enjoyed the elf's company, her innocence, and her intelligence. Perhaps it couldn't hurt to see where this new path led.

[*Archangel]

Kiera wanders absently into the Fest hall, and through the gallery of paintings that she had last visited with Chari. She finds herself standing in front of Chari's favorite, the large battle scene painted in dark and chaotic images. She looks at the painting for a long time, standing still with her hand on her shoulder where Chari's had rested the last time they were there.

"Chari," Kiera says softly. "I don't know where you are, but I hope that you are well, and happy."

She doesn't look around to see if she is alone, nor does she really care.

"You may very well have saved me, I don't know, but you've made me think. I couldn't tell you exactly how I felt, not while I still pray to my Mistress. It is not something she would permit, but it doesn't eliminate the feeling, it's there and it always will be."

A tightness rises in her throat, one she hasn't felt since she was a scared little girl in a mudhole town south of Baldur's Gate. She growls in frustration and pushes the feeling down.

"I know you don't feel the same way, but that didn't matter. I'm going to walk this new path though, at least until it changes or something comes of it. I don't know where life is taking me right now, it's all so confusing, but wherever you are you have a special place in it."

Kiera takes one last, lingering look at Chari's favorite painting before leaving the Fest Hall and returning to her room for another sleepless night.

[*Archangel]

A flurry of activity would be seen outside Kiera's suite in the Foule Spirit as boxes and more furniture are moved in. Kiera appears to be both flustered, and strangely (for anyone that knows her) happy about the activity. Her aide is bringing more food than usual from the inn's kitchen each morning, and there is an increase in the laundry that is sent down. Being a private person Kiera hasn't said a word to the Inn's staff, or to anyone else really, but it's clear that another person has taken up semi-permanent residence in her rooms.

She continues about her normal duties, and following up on the leads in her investigations, with a bit of a spring in her otherwise focused and determined step.

[*Archangel]

Kiera's day would begin late, after a night of writing and making plans for her stakeout of a warehouse in the Hive. She wakes up late, after her companion has left for the day, and she smiles seeing the note on the table. She reads it over before pulling down a blank book to tuck the note inside with it's mates. She puts the book back and heads back to the bedroom for her prayers.

She is quick, saying and doing as much a necessary to receive the divine blessings of her Goddess. Even her shortened prayers leave her wounded and in pain, but not as fulfilled as they once had. There's something missing, her purpose maybe? Either way she cleans the bladed scourge and returns it to the ornamental box on the alter, next to the lock of pink hair that shares the velvet bed with the tool. She rises slowly, cleaning her wounds and bandaging her back before dressing for the day.

On her way out she looks again at the untouched journal, the book she had thought to keep her thoughts in, but never started. She takes it down and opens it to the first page, pulling close her writing tools. She looks, for several minutes, at the white paper. It looks much like unscarred or unmarked skin that she would once have cherished as a 'beautiful blank canvas'. After a time she sets pen to paper.

I don't really know how to begin so I will just do so.  So much is changing, but some things stay the same.  I am filled with emotions I've not felt before and they scare me.  Scare me because of what I am, and what I have been, afraid of what I might do.  Afraid of what She might do.  I'm shaken, to my core, by feelings I've had for someone, and feelings I now have for another.  My faith is shaken, but not broken.  How can I abandon that which I hold true, but I must because I also want that which I would be denied.  Can I believe in both the Pain and the Sufferer?  Can I hold His tenets in my heart, but also Hers?  Will He grant me the divine if I still cling to some of what She teaches?

I just don't know...

[*Archangel]

Kiera tiredly takes down the journal from its place on the shelf and sets it on the table. She awoke late, (with Lys either still in bed or out for the day) and had to get her roiling thoughts on paper, an urge she hadn't felt in some time.

I feel like I have four uniforms now, with a fifth I haven't worn in weeks, and I no longer know which one is Kierisen.  Are they all me?  The armor that marks me a hand of justice, or the leathers I once wore as a Pain Maiden?  The clothing of a citizen or the face of a lover?  Or now the smock of a healer?  Are they all me?  Will I ever truly abandon any of them, or Her...I have to.  The words on my lips, and feeling in my heart offends Her, but I need Her just a bit longer, just until I find my charge and restore my honor.  I will need to see to my devotions soon and Lys wants to see.  She will not like it, but it may not be the last time.  If she is to be with me, she needs to know what it is she is getting herself into.

[*Archangel]

Kiera cleans up a bit around the suite, tidying up her own things, and with a fond smile some of Lys's. She reads a note she had tucked into her bodice, scanning it for a second time before staring at the flames of a candle deep in thought. Finally she pulls down her journal and gets her writing tools.

Home, something I think about from time to time.  The place where I was used by my father and his friends, beaten and tortured before I was old enough to defend myself.  Then rescued by my Mistress and made strong.  Home is where she was killed, and where a more powerful Mistress holds sway and can actually punish me directly for my lapses recently.  Sure, I think about home, but I'm not sure I'll ever go back.  Not for some time at least.  I have more to learn about myself, the changes that I am experiencing, and the path I have chosen to walk with another.  There are ties I must break, things I must do here before I can consider going home, and then there's Lys.  If this thing, this path we are on is meant to run together it is not just my desires that matter.  Would she wish to visit such a place, or stay there if that comes up?  These are all things I must consider as I stumble along half-blind by all these new experiences.