Sigil: City of Doors

Log of Mara Raven.

Day 96. Personal log:

Hard to believe I've been in Sigil this long. I have had a lot to understand about this place. I fear I will never know everything. It is not at all like Faerun. In some ways better, in others worse.

I miss my ship and the crew of the Crescent Waves. and I wonder of my captain and how he's doing. Are they still seeking treasure? Do they think I'm dead? Who knows. When I touched the fabled gem that brought me here, there was no way to know it had that kind of power. A lost artefact maybe? Whatever it is, I'm here now...

I suppose I could go home whenever I want. It's just a question of finding the right door. Still there is opportunity here. More so then in faerun, but also just as risky. I find myself a fish out of water. I also wonder what is my future here? Will I get married? What kind of a life awaits me in this place? I don't think anyone would notice the thoughts of a small and insignificant creature as myself, or even know I hold them. Much like the crew didn't treat me as an equal. Even though I was the best at tying ropes and took to sea-faring well. I was the best trap springer. All skills that pale in comparison to the wonders of magic. Yet.. I even have an offer to fix that too.

* * * * * * * *

Battle Log:

Course: Cerceri.

Commander: Mathias

Second officer: None.

Others: Myself (mara), Ea'raldor, Trixie, Pen (The Goose), Shaira

Second group in accompaniment: Yew're, Tray'o

Mission: Take all items of value and kill demons.

Result: Disastrous.

Mathias took charge of a mission into Cerceri. I had experience with him briefly before and know him to be reasonably competent. The issues came when a second group whom we had little experience with joined us and refused to work united.

Upon the sea of Cerceri, lay a beast called an Atropal. I had never seen anything quite so disgusting and repugnant. It was an undead fetal-creature, the remnants of an unfinished god they claim. I was awed yet horrified. The denizens of Cerceri had kept it in a prison. I wonder why they did not simply kill the thing, but I am used to thinking in terms of mortality being a mortal myself.

Yew're broke rank and continued in his rage to kill as many demons as possible. Perhaps the fault lies with us for not stopping him. Indeed that was our mission objective. The creature started to spawn undead into the sea. Everyone had scattered. Some of us took cover in a cave, while others battled the hoard. I was among those in the cave, but we were caught between demons on one side and a wave of negative energy to the other.

Given our choices, Trixie decided to return to the shore, to try and aid our comrades who had been caught on the other side. Our captain was also caught there and we had no hope of fighting demons. Helping them was the only way any of us would make it out alive. We lacked the skills to get back on our own.

I must admit I hesitated... I waited a moment and hid in shadows. It was too quiet as I saw everyone disappear into the darkness. I held my breath, said a prayer to Mask Himself to protect me, and stepped in.... only to trip over Trixies body, and be surrounded by vampires. I was ensourced with fright, both real and imagined, forcing me to run in circles not sure of where to go. A great wave of water laced with negative energy washed over our forms, making me feel the chill of a life being drained away. My life was being drawn into the oceans of Cerceri, one piece at a time among the dead. I fell to the ground over Mathias's body. If I could at least have saved him... maybe he could get us out.

Then the demons came... again I tried to flee but they grabbed me. I was quite worried at this point. Demons are known to be quite... nasty to prisoners, If they are taken. For a moment I envied my dead friends as they littered the shore. Fortunately they wished to speak, which is more then we wanted. They explained that we had interfered in their business, and now a dangerous prisoner was set loose into the multiverse. My heart sank. Such acts could have dire consequences across all worlds.

I started to understand one aspect to the nature of Sigil. Everything has a consequence. What I buy, what I sell... every small insignificant think we do, is magnified across the planes. We had just made a noise so loud, its impact is still going to be felt.

The demons impaled all the dead, and took me to sigil tied up. I guess I was treated well under the circumstances, but I was quite distraught. Jall would wish me to seek revenge, but perhaps I feel I was not punished enough. While the act was not intentional, I was part of it all the same... just like the Crescent Waves... just like back home.

I am responsible for all we became, and all we did...

On a personal note, I was further distraught by the sheer apathy of those in sigil. They simply did not care what had happened. Seeing people dead and killed in such a horrific fashion, even the mighty bard Trixie, did not make any of them bat an eye. Why? Why are people here like this? Is life really so cheap here? Do people come and go so quickly that sigils rivers are filled with blood?

Perhaps that is part of the story of this place. If items are aspects of greater echoes, then so must its people. Perhaps to greater denizens, we are worth more dead... it is not something I can so easily dismiss.

Addendum: I'm unsure if it means anything but... I did not see Ea'raldor among the dead. I found him quite well in Sigil. I believe in the fight he had found a way to escape on his own. I guess I can't really blame him. I might have done the same given the circumstances.

Day 108

Had a strange encounter with a shadow woman. It would appear she was challenging the Lady. I did not know it at the time and I thought that khaz and those around me in danger. I tried to incapacitate her with a magic wand but it did not work. I may have got too close to a shadow and found myself well... Dead? Or close enough to it. I woke to see Jall tending to my wounds.

The lady in the end destroyed the shadow woman. They say she's not a god but... How can she not be? She's so powerful.

Day 146

Not sure I can go on any more. It all started to go wrong, when I joined the Kith. All I did was do a few deliveries and help an important contract. I made a little coin, but not enough to be worth all this.

Hildmor felt there was value in holding me hostage. It wasn't pleasant but I will note that at least, he didn't beat me up. Indeed he ensured I wasn't going to starve... though I guess, the worst thing with him was the isolation and the darkness. I wasn't sure how long I was with him, though I guess it was relatively short. I was rescued...

My rescuer believed it best I was turned to stone, and hidden away. I was starting to miss Hildmor's cell. So I spent time as a statue, goodness knows how I must have looked. It's hard not to sink into feelings of self pity when I think that it was my allies, who deemed this situation necessary. They never even felt the need to update me on anything. Just.. turn my life off. as if I were a golem. Nay- even Golems had some awareness in this state.

I was released, and found my employer dead. It was like watching the death of my crew all over again. Natasha was my captain, in many ways. I just followed orders and did as was asked, hoping to show my value to the Kith, and that maybe we really could do well together. All those possibilities died the moment I learned this. I have her robe, and, with no body I will commit it to the sea. Appropriate I think.

So life has settled down to some kind of normality. Though life for me is not normal any more. I live in fear all the time. The harmonium wishes me to testify against Hildmor, but I just can't. Not since the betrayal of my allies- who showed very powerfully, that might gives one the right to do anything.

All my life the tall folk have pushed me around. I don't know how to stop them. I don't know what I can do to show I am an equal when they get like that. When all they see is a hin. I just tried to stick to my job. I like that. I wish I could do more, and- to my detriment I admitted to my saviour (yes the one who turned me into a statue and 'saved' me), that I even thought of pacts to make me- and my descendents stronger. Maybe even give us the gift of magic. So that we wouldn't have to be pushed around. So that we had more to give to society... so that we could have less to fear.

Am I really so bad for just wishing such things?

For my admission, I got a kick across my chest. The earth stung me and I was so surprised to see my 'friend' look at me with such vileness and hatred. She was going to kill me, I had to run. I called on the shadows, but such tricks were nothing to her... so instead I used the oldest trick in the book, and used my invisibility potion and ran like the hounds of Hell were after me. I only just managed to move before she grabbed my arm... Oh gods if she had grabbed me... the woman is an absolute psychotic killer. That's who I owe my life to?

Jall says that lately, all she can see is the worst in me. So I don't see her any more. What else can I do?

People just hurt me all the time now. Everywhere I go. Darramar says I should either let go of this or kill myself... the gentlest man I know in all of Sigil, thinks I should commit suicide. That's rock bottom right there, that's how far I have fallen. For as much as I have fought to keep myself alive, that's where my life has taken me. Perhaps there would be honour in it. Admitting that you want to be stronger is such a sin here.

Nobody can really understand anything of how I feel, nor do they care to. I have no idea at all, where to go.. or what to do any more.

I'm glad to still have my journal, while my fate is decided. It helps me to consider my position in solitude. I always feared ending up in a mental institute. Now that I am actually here though, I don't really feel quite so afraid. I'm more worried about Jall and those outside who must think terrible things about me. Or worse, pitty. I will remain strong though.

I feel a sense of enlightenment. There was in truth, no other way it could have gone. I can not justify my actions to the Harmonium or even to those that might be allies, nor even to Jall. I can only defend them to myself, if such were possible. I will therefore conduct a trial with myself as judge.

I was presented with a threat. A living bomb, that was made by the wizards of Thay. A young girl named Olivia. The only reason anyone knew her name is because, I asked it. I had to know. Otherwise she would be just 'the child'. I do not know what the thayans had done to her. They placed so much magic in her that she was causing powerful spells to come about. I do not speak of the embers of sorcery, but of the truly dire magics.

Because of the nature of the unique threat the child had to the multiverse, she was kept guarded by angels in a form of stasis. Olivia expressed great distress at being confined again, and in truth I could not wish such a thing on my worse enemy. I too have known what it is like to be imobalised as a statue.

The child exhibited another curious trait. She was freely able to appear, and disappear without concious thought or pattern- even within sigil. This was without a doubt the gravest threat of all. Any encounter with her might be our last. She could have gone anywhere, and there was no way to track her. If we made a choice, it had to be exactly when we saw her.

All attempts made to communicate with Olivia, failed. I tried, everyone tried. I gave her one last chance to come with us... but I had made my decision. If she decided not to come with us, I had to end her life. Because if I did not, the next world she went to might not get close enough. The world after that would fall, and another, and another, and another...

I wish to go deeper into the threat she possessed. Was one child worth the life of billions? An innocent life? What of the billions of other innocent lives, that would be slain if she lived? Is my own innocence and moral compass so twisted that I would risk them all, and be glad that I was playing god to their fate too?

She had started to summon demons, not by normal means but by ripping apart the walls of the planes themselves. The creatures taunted us, speaking of a new darkness that will engulf Sigil, perhaps even the lady herself was powerless against this threat- indeed I questioned why she herself did not become involved, as the balance was now under threat.

So, on the one hand I had a child whom I may never see again, that who was a direct threat to existence. Foolish angels, who had somehow let a grave threat run wild and free, thayan mages who created said child, and adventurers who believed without a doubt that there had to be another way. Then there was me.

So I attacked her, from behind. I attempted to make it as quick, and as painless as possible. I should have hit a vital area, but by force of magic, or my unsteady hand I faltered. She was not dead. A paladin healed her, while I fled shaken by what I had done. My allies, 'friends' did not even care to see me after. I believed I had killed her.. I was convinced I had.. I was certain... that the threat she posed had ended. But it did not. Instead the adventurers learned she had gone to mount celestia.

In the end, Phantom was able to find another way. He called the dragon lord Behemoth, who shackled the child with iron that nullified all magic. once again I am confounded by the angels who did not know such a possibility existed. If they are divine and title themselves as protectors of children, why didn't they offer this possibility? Perhaps they knew that, it was still too risky. The child would still be a threat, should the shackles be removed. It would happen as a blast of raw energy, that would ripple across a plane if not more... it remains to be seen if this was the right choice to make. However it does not take away the fact that, there was another way.

Some may say I jumped too quickly, but the circumstances demanded a very quick decision. I had no choice. Were I a soldier defending sigil, I would be doing my job... but I am no soldier. Just someone who found herself in those circumstances. Someone performing a civic duty.

If I had to do it all again, I would. Perhaps that is the thing most troubling to me. I know she was a threat, and gods help me... but there was nothing else I could do. Too many lives were at stake. People never think I can do anything, but for one instance, I thought that maybe I could.

I know what I did was right. Otherwise I would not have done it. But that there was another way, and that made it not right. Made it wrong. That is why I am here. It would have been better had I not get involved at all- hell I should have died to those demons, and maybe then I'd be remembered a hero. Instead of the villain.

I hate those angels. They did this to me. They gambled everyone's life, including my own in this.

What is my verdict to be? Of course it is guilty. I did attempt murder. I just failed. However I can comfort myself with the fact that, my act was justified. Just not defensible. Whatever my experience will be here, I will hold on to that.

I will trust no angel again.

Mara returns after going through various books. She seems disturbed. "I don't get it... why would they tell me I don't belong here? Just because I have so many questions..."

She had spoken to Lana about her new interest in the faction.

"Well, do you believe that it all exists because you think it does?" Lana asked.

"I dont know!" The halfling said defensively.

Lana tilted her head and smiled. To the Halfling it seemed as if she had been entrapped by her own words. "I hope you didn't join them yet. Did you?" Asked Lana.

"I'm just.. trying to work it out" Mara said looking down a little.

"So why not just believe?"

"i can't" Mara replied. It was a terrible admission. It brought about feelings of a lack of faith, that indeed maybe she should have joined the bleakers. But it was because she couldn't imagine she did join, because she wanted to imagine... she wanted to believe.

"Then you're not a Signer," said Lana. "Or any factioner. The whole point of the Factions is to adhere to a belief. If you don't, then you're not."

Mara felt the words echo in her, even as she continued to read about the signers. She said that it was impossible to manipulate the world by thought alone. Imagination did nothing, and one could not create from nothing. These were all things she had to agree with, if one was coldly logical.

"But isn't that why you are here Mara?" She asked herself. Because she didn't want to believe in nothing... she wanted to take that leap of understanding. If she could truly learn to influence the world by thought alone... could it really happen?

Trying to push the doubt away, she continued her work, learning from the library and the signers she meets. She might be an unusual signer, but that didn't take away her desire to learn.

I attempted to help the Lich known as Charron, find his wife. Though I don't know if I was personally of any particular help, I at least saved the life of one mad fey.

I find myself thinking though, of the ship stolen. I am no stranger to piracy... indeed some thought the Crescent Waves as pirates with our desire for treasure- especially towards the end. I was trained in all manner of ship work, from swabbing the decking to setting sails. I was hopeful when I saw ships and thought I could perhaps be of some use here.

Yet that was not the case.

Technology has marched on in the greater realms I find myself in. My style of sailing is simply, antiquated. There is no sail to set, nor even a compass to use. No stars to guide us, and the ship would not respond to anyone aside from a user of magic. It is a terrible tragedy that these people have lost such skills, and find themselves at the mercy of mages. I can only hope that Faerun does not sucumb to the same route- yet I know with its rulers of magic, and rumours of Thayan ships, that someday my world too will become like this.

I find myself looking at the weaknesses of a spell jammers general design. One of the key strengths of my own ship, was the idea of multiple redundancy. To put it simply, anyone and everyone can cover the task needed to be done and there is more then one way to skin a fish. If for some reason a person was unable to perform their duties, another could do it- and there would be no concern in that. Yet in a ship where one absolutely must be a mage to pilot her, all one need to is kill the mage. Suddenly the ship is scuttled.

I am certain other ships have a redundancy- yet I can not help but wonder if this is also doubling as a security feature, to keep the ships in control of the mages at all times. This would be consistent with their tyrant mindset. Fleets of this ships could conquer entire worlds, and their technomancy would not respond to the ley person... it is in some way, genius.

Still this is a debate for another day. I don't know if I will see a spelljammer again... but would you believe that, yet another concern befalls me. I saw the Astral plane for the first time... nothingness. Staring at that abyss, I'm starting to understand the Bleakers. How can one look at this plane and not go mad? To know that this place is the entirety of the universe... everything and nothing, wrapped into itself. This is the sea of reality itself, where planes are but small islands... and in between, simply nothing. More nothing... even more nothing... nothing forever. That is the universe we live in.. that is all of reality...

this is our beginning and end?

A terrible place to sail a ship. The astral plane crushes my mind with sheer isolation. I was all to glad to be back at port, yet the feeling lingers. Now that I have seen eternity, and what lies at the heart of all realms... on a ship I was so useless to be on, what do I do now?