Reflection
===========
I looked in the mirror today, as I do most days. However, upon seeing myself I took a moment to really look. Who was this woman standing in the reflective surface? Not to say I did not recognize my own body. What I mean is, I found myself rather surprised at how much I had changed... how much I had grown.
I am not the Lady Rozalin Fiera who found herself in some backwater town, and was longing for her home... I am not even the same Rozalin I was a week ago. Perhaps I am not the same person I was yesterday, even. I have learned much in a short time... changed... adapted... there are things I have come to accept, and some thing I have learned were false.
My eyes seem different, somehow.
The other day Kit complimented me on my outfit... it was a simple tunic and pants... nothing I would normally wear. But he said it was nice... it made me look like a person. He is right... I was not dressing to impress. I was not trying to wow the crowd with a sense of superiority... I was just... there. Just another person. That may not sound like much of a compliment, but... it was.
I am happier with who I am... now that I have accepted some things. Do things still weigh on me? Yes. My old life has become a painful memory, and I still have trouble keeping my mood when I am reminded of it. Luckily for me, now, I am not alone... the weight of such things has become somehow lessened when I am reminded that I have friends at my side.
Yes... friends.
Lady Rozalin Fiera
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Sleeping Arrangements
=============
Animus and I are occupying the same room. It is nice, comforting... a bit warm, but not so much I am uncomfortable. I suppose I've grown to enjoy his touch. I do not mean to say we are engaging in.... sexual activities. I do not feel prepared for that, still. Quite frankly I am not certain I would ever be able to open myself up that much... the idea makes me very nervous, more so than anything else has. I know Animus would like it, it is obvious. He was married before, and I can only assume he has engaged in such activities previously... but I have not. It makes me nervous to think about it... and it makes me a little... I don't know... it makes me feel small, when I think about talking to someone else about it... Yes, I was raised secluded from others, for the most part. I did not have the opportunity to do such things even if I would have wanted to... not that I have wanted to, mind you. But even situationally, I feel so... lesser than the others... than Gwynnithe, or Kalina, or even Ixia.
Speaking of Gwynnithe, it makes me terribly sad to see her upset. She tries to be positive, however I found that she is having some difficulties. She is not as happy as she portrays herself. I feel bad for the girl, I really do. Such a happy person shouldn't have bad things happen to them. I wish there was something I could do. I have found a fair amount of books on this spirit realm that Gwynnithe has mentioned, I just hope they can give some insight into a way to help her. There is, of course, a temporary solution... well, not so much a solution as it is a comfort. Gwynnithe was spending nights with Ixia. It, also, was not in any sort of sexual manner, but simply... as she would put it... cuddling. She takes comfort in physical contact, and I can understand that to an extent. I have found a fair amount of comfort in Animus' arms.
Unfortunately for Gwynnithe she may not be able to spend nights with Ixia for much longer. It seems Azrinoth has taken a liking to Ixia, and Animus stated the two may end up together... it is good for them, I suppose, but this leaves Gwynnithe without anyone to comfort her... Well, she can still find comfort with her friends, of course, but during hours when they are not occupied with others... I suppose I am a little sad when I see Gwynnithe, she appears like an odd one out even among her friends.
Animus had made an odd suggestion... a temporary arrangement to help Gwynn during her time of trouble... he had actually asked if Gwynn would... sleep in our bed... with us. Needless to say I was dumbfounded by his actual need to ask. I don't know if Gwynn had suggested it, but Animus seemed to actually think this was a good idea... I don't know what part of it he considered a good idea... has he not been paying attention to my reactions to having HIM close? Let alone anyone else? I do try, really, to not freak out when someone invades my personal space, but... I still want to, from time to time... With Animus I am comfortable... but others? I could not even consider the idea. My immediate reaction was a no, and I stand by it. I am mostly confused why Animus would think, at all, that I would even agree to it?
=============
Animus and I are occupying the same room. It is nice, comforting... a bit warm, but not so much I am uncomfortable. I suppose I've grown to enjoy his touch. I do not mean to say we are engaging in.... sexual activities. I do not feel prepared for that, still. Quite frankly I am not certain I would ever be able to open myself up that much... the idea makes me very nervous, more so than anything else has. I know Animus would like it, it is obvious. He was married before, and I can only assume he has engaged in such activities previously... but I have not. It makes me nervous to think about it... and it makes me a little... I don't know... it makes me feel small, when I think about talking to someone else about it... Yes, I was raised secluded from others, for the most part. I did not have the opportunity to do such things even if I would have wanted to... not that I have wanted to, mind you. But even situationally, I feel so... lesser than the others... than Gwynnithe, or Kalina, or even Ixia.
Speaking of Gwynnithe, it makes me terribly sad to see her upset. She tries to be positive, however I found that she is having some difficulties. She is not as happy as she portrays herself. I feel bad for the girl, I really do. Such a happy person shouldn't have bad things happen to them. I wish there was something I could do. I have found a fair amount of books on this spirit realm that Gwynnithe has mentioned, I just hope they can give some insight into a way to help her. There is, of course, a temporary solution... well, not so much a solution as it is a comfort. Gwynnithe was spending nights with Ixia. It, also, was not in any sort of sexual manner, but simply... as she would put it... cuddling. She takes comfort in physical contact, and I can understand that to an extent. I have found a fair amount of comfort in Animus' arms.
Unfortunately for Gwynnithe she may not be able to spend nights with Ixia for much longer. It seems Azrinoth has taken a liking to Ixia, and Animus stated the two may end up together... it is good for them, I suppose, but this leaves Gwynnithe without anyone to comfort her... Well, she can still find comfort with her friends, of course, but during hours when they are not occupied with others... I suppose I am a little sad when I see Gwynnithe, she appears like an odd one out even among her friends.
Animus had made an odd suggestion... a temporary arrangement to help Gwynn during her time of trouble... he had actually asked if Gwynn would... sleep in our bed... with us. Needless to say I was dumbfounded by his actual need to ask. I don't know if Gwynn had suggested it, but Animus seemed to actually think this was a good idea... I don't know what part of it he considered a good idea... has he not been paying attention to my reactions to having HIM close? Let alone anyone else? I do try, really, to not freak out when someone invades my personal space, but... I still want to, from time to time... With Animus I am comfortable... but others? I could not even consider the idea. My immediate reaction was a no, and I stand by it. I am mostly confused why Animus would think, at all, that I would even agree to it?
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
One Word
==========
I've never seen someone so happy to hear one word before. Even the way he wrote in his journal... pure elation... because of one word.
I had went to the arena with Kalina, Dom, and a man named Nicholas. Dom had found a weapon akin to the one that Nicholas utilizes. I forget the name of it... it is like a crossbow, but instead of bolts it fires pellets of some kind... instead of using a drawstring and release latch it somehow uses some sort of explosive powder. Truly a strange weapon. Dom was happy with his incredibly loud toy.
While Dom played, Kalina and I spoke. She's troubled, and this concerns me a little. I've grown fond of Kalina, but I fear she's been stressed. While attempting to provide some reflection on her desires, she seemed to switch what she was saying... what she wanted was never the same from one sentence to the next. Perhaps she just needed to get the frustration out of her head. I was more than happy to be there to listen and offer advice.
Somehow she turned the conversation over and made it about Animus and myself. She made a comment about the two of us becoming wed. I had never even considered that as a possibility. After a bit, Animus came over to us and he presented me with some flowers. They were nice... nobody had ever given me flowers before. I was happy. He held me from behind... then he said he wanted to marry me.
I froze completely. I was in shock, it's true. Moments before our conversation it hadn't occured as a possibility... then, out of nowhere. I could barely think... I needed air. I needed to clear my head.
In retrospect, I feel bad for walking off like that.
I spent most of the day in places I knew I could be alone... but it didn't help at all. I couldn't really understand why he felt that way. I felt like things were moving too fast, and I felt kind of dizzy... it didn't help much, later, when I went to Khazeet's and began drinking... a lot. I did not get stupidly drunk... moderately at best. Okay, so I was a little tipsy... I could still walk straight though. Buzzed, I think would be the best term for it... the buzz wore off later, after Animus had found me and dragged me off to talk about what had happened.
We talked... I felt my head recovering as we did. After a bit of talking I realized... all the time spent with him... I never wanted it to end. I really wanted to be with him... forever.
I said yes.
==========
I've never seen someone so happy to hear one word before. Even the way he wrote in his journal... pure elation... because of one word.
I had went to the arena with Kalina, Dom, and a man named Nicholas. Dom had found a weapon akin to the one that Nicholas utilizes. I forget the name of it... it is like a crossbow, but instead of bolts it fires pellets of some kind... instead of using a drawstring and release latch it somehow uses some sort of explosive powder. Truly a strange weapon. Dom was happy with his incredibly loud toy.
While Dom played, Kalina and I spoke. She's troubled, and this concerns me a little. I've grown fond of Kalina, but I fear she's been stressed. While attempting to provide some reflection on her desires, she seemed to switch what she was saying... what she wanted was never the same from one sentence to the next. Perhaps she just needed to get the frustration out of her head. I was more than happy to be there to listen and offer advice.
Somehow she turned the conversation over and made it about Animus and myself. She made a comment about the two of us becoming wed. I had never even considered that as a possibility. After a bit, Animus came over to us and he presented me with some flowers. They were nice... nobody had ever given me flowers before. I was happy. He held me from behind... then he said he wanted to marry me.
I froze completely. I was in shock, it's true. Moments before our conversation it hadn't occured as a possibility... then, out of nowhere. I could barely think... I needed air. I needed to clear my head.
In retrospect, I feel bad for walking off like that.
I spent most of the day in places I knew I could be alone... but it didn't help at all. I couldn't really understand why he felt that way. I felt like things were moving too fast, and I felt kind of dizzy... it didn't help much, later, when I went to Khazeet's and began drinking... a lot. I did not get stupidly drunk... moderately at best. Okay, so I was a little tipsy... I could still walk straight though. Buzzed, I think would be the best term for it... the buzz wore off later, after Animus had found me and dragged me off to talk about what had happened.
We talked... I felt my head recovering as we did. After a bit of talking I realized... all the time spent with him... I never wanted it to end. I really wanted to be with him... forever.
I said yes.
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Never Have I Ever
================
I was invited to join some friends in a drinking game... the players were Kit, Dave, Raelin, Sondaal, Saiph, and myself. The rules were simple... someone would make a statement about something they hadn't done... for example...
"I have never engaged in an armwrestling match with an owlbear."
If anyone around the table had taken part in said act, then they would have to drink. After someone took five drinks, they would be forced to carry out a dare. The dare was chosen by the person who took the least amount of drinks.
Simple enough rules.
It had never occured to me, but as the game went on, the others became rather... intoxicated. Meanwhile I stood there, rarely drinking anything at all. In fact, Kit, Raelin, and Saiph made "I never" statements with the direct intention of getting me to drink. These things were, being Rozalin, having a servant, and kissing Animus. There were three other things that got me to drink... kissing a paladin, having a drunken redhead lean on me (Saiph was doing it prior to using it), and crying in public. However, these drinks were few and far between. Some of the others had, about, three times as much as I had to drink... and in rapid succession, so they felt the effects.
Having 6 drinks, of course, meant that when I had my fifth I was dared... by Dave. He had first dared me to stop a Dabus from working... had I not bothered to read up on them I may have thought this was easy. However, my research has led me to believe this is a very potentially fatal course of action... I am not sure why Dave would request it. Both he and Kit stated it would not be a fatal result, so long as I did not permanently disable or stop the Dabus from working... however I did not want to risk it... plus, I had no idea how to do it anyway. Dave then asked me to pour milk on Shiv... a man who was not only not playing, but also a man who does not strike me as good humored... his dare then turned into pouring milk on Raelin. While I did not want to do that, either, it was a safer bet than the other two.
The game made me realize... I have lived a very sheltered life... even things, such as "sleeping with another person." To which I had to clarify if they meant actual sleeping, or sex... they meant sex. They had done so many things... some seemingly random and strange... but others seemed sort of mundane... and yet I did not do them. I felt... bad. Part of me felt that I was ruining thier game, or disappointing them by my lack of personal experiences. Another piece just felt small... so inexperienced next to these giants of adventure and experience. I felt like I had never really even lived.
Being surrounded by rowdy, happy, drunks did not help my state of mind. In the end I was a bit glad when the game ended... the drunkenness had escalated to new heights, things were getting ridiculous. I was glad when the group started to disperse... not that I do not like the group. I do like their company. I was just... not feeling like part of the game any further. My desire for participation had died off.
================
I was invited to join some friends in a drinking game... the players were Kit, Dave, Raelin, Sondaal, Saiph, and myself. The rules were simple... someone would make a statement about something they hadn't done... for example...
"I have never engaged in an armwrestling match with an owlbear."
If anyone around the table had taken part in said act, then they would have to drink. After someone took five drinks, they would be forced to carry out a dare. The dare was chosen by the person who took the least amount of drinks.
Simple enough rules.
It had never occured to me, but as the game went on, the others became rather... intoxicated. Meanwhile I stood there, rarely drinking anything at all. In fact, Kit, Raelin, and Saiph made "I never" statements with the direct intention of getting me to drink. These things were, being Rozalin, having a servant, and kissing Animus. There were three other things that got me to drink... kissing a paladin, having a drunken redhead lean on me (Saiph was doing it prior to using it), and crying in public. However, these drinks were few and far between. Some of the others had, about, three times as much as I had to drink... and in rapid succession, so they felt the effects.
Having 6 drinks, of course, meant that when I had my fifth I was dared... by Dave. He had first dared me to stop a Dabus from working... had I not bothered to read up on them I may have thought this was easy. However, my research has led me to believe this is a very potentially fatal course of action... I am not sure why Dave would request it. Both he and Kit stated it would not be a fatal result, so long as I did not permanently disable or stop the Dabus from working... however I did not want to risk it... plus, I had no idea how to do it anyway. Dave then asked me to pour milk on Shiv... a man who was not only not playing, but also a man who does not strike me as good humored... his dare then turned into pouring milk on Raelin. While I did not want to do that, either, it was a safer bet than the other two.
The game made me realize... I have lived a very sheltered life... even things, such as "sleeping with another person." To which I had to clarify if they meant actual sleeping, or sex... they meant sex. They had done so many things... some seemingly random and strange... but others seemed sort of mundane... and yet I did not do them. I felt... bad. Part of me felt that I was ruining thier game, or disappointing them by my lack of personal experiences. Another piece just felt small... so inexperienced next to these giants of adventure and experience. I felt like I had never really even lived.
Being surrounded by rowdy, happy, drunks did not help my state of mind. In the end I was a bit glad when the game ended... the drunkenness had escalated to new heights, things were getting ridiculous. I was glad when the group started to disperse... not that I do not like the group. I do like their company. I was just... not feeling like part of the game any further. My desire for participation had died off.
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Wedding Plans
=============
Animus and I have started to flesh out plans for the wedding. It's exciting, really. Things are coming together. There is still much to do, of course. All we have, now is a vague plan of what we want to do. We still have to actually do the work behind it.
While talking, Animus and I were interrupted by Kit. Kit had some complaint about Dom and Kalina. I brushed it off as it didn't sound actually worth noting or bringing up any time with either of them. We mentioned that we were making wedding plans and Kit asked "How long have you two been together again?"
I didn't want to address that question, so I avoided it. It weighs on me a bit now that I think on it... Animus and I really have not been together that long. Are we rushing into things? Is this even a good idea. I know there is a part of me that feels rushed with this... perhaps with all of the things happening with my so-called father, I feel that I need to hurry along before I am out of time... Animus wants me to have hope, and I am trying. But... we have no plans. Nothing. How can I keep positive about this when, some days, it seems like nobody is concerned at all, but me, about what is going to happen soon. It's not an immediate danger, I know, but it still worries me. What if father comes to take me... with no way to stop him... I can't deny that I am afraid... perhaps that is why I am rushing things.
=============
Animus and I have started to flesh out plans for the wedding. It's exciting, really. Things are coming together. There is still much to do, of course. All we have, now is a vague plan of what we want to do. We still have to actually do the work behind it.
While talking, Animus and I were interrupted by Kit. Kit had some complaint about Dom and Kalina. I brushed it off as it didn't sound actually worth noting or bringing up any time with either of them. We mentioned that we were making wedding plans and Kit asked "How long have you two been together again?"
I didn't want to address that question, so I avoided it. It weighs on me a bit now that I think on it... Animus and I really have not been together that long. Are we rushing into things? Is this even a good idea. I know there is a part of me that feels rushed with this... perhaps with all of the things happening with my so-called father, I feel that I need to hurry along before I am out of time... Animus wants me to have hope, and I am trying. But... we have no plans. Nothing. How can I keep positive about this when, some days, it seems like nobody is concerned at all, but me, about what is going to happen soon. It's not an immediate danger, I know, but it still worries me. What if father comes to take me... with no way to stop him... I can't deny that I am afraid... perhaps that is why I am rushing things.
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
This entry is scribbled in quickly.
Critical Questions
===============
Why am I getting married?
Do I actually want to get married? Or do I feel like I should?
Why do I love Animus?
I need to answer these questions.
More accurately... I should have answers for them... but why don't I?
Critical Questions
===============
Why am I getting married?
Do I actually want to get married? Or do I feel like I should?
Why do I love Animus?
I need to answer these questions.
More accurately... I should have answers for them... but why don't I?
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Love is...
==========
Love... verb... noun...
A profound attachment to someone or something... A strong emotion.
To have a profound attachment or affection to someone or something... To love.
That doesn't help.
Was it by reaction that I ever said it in the first place? Did I just want a fairy tale ending, and let myself get swept away without even bothering to think for a moment. Is it just false hope that somehow this is going to make everything better?
Why am I even doubting it all of a sudden? How many times have I said it without trouble, without thinking? Yet, now I'm started to hesitate... I couldn't even say it in a response to him saying it earlier... instead I pushed him away. Why did I do that? I worried him...
Had I not brought it up with Dave would I still be in this situation? No... it's not because of talking with Dave. I had started doubting before talking to him... it's because of my doubt that I did talk to him in the first place.
I don't know what to do now... when Animus is done taking care of other people's problems he'll come back and I'll need to explain my mood... explain what's bothering me... can I even bring this up with him? How would he react if I was to even suggest that I wasn't sure anymore. I would hurt him... I don't want to hurt him.
But... would I say I loved him if I wasn't sure? Wouldn't that be worse?
I wish I could figure this out... I wish this made sense.
Come on, Rozalin. Why do... Do you love Animus?
...
..
.
==========
Love... verb... noun...
A profound attachment to someone or something... A strong emotion.
To have a profound attachment or affection to someone or something... To love.
That doesn't help.
Was it by reaction that I ever said it in the first place? Did I just want a fairy tale ending, and let myself get swept away without even bothering to think for a moment. Is it just false hope that somehow this is going to make everything better?
Why am I even doubting it all of a sudden? How many times have I said it without trouble, without thinking? Yet, now I'm started to hesitate... I couldn't even say it in a response to him saying it earlier... instead I pushed him away. Why did I do that? I worried him...
Had I not brought it up with Dave would I still be in this situation? No... it's not because of talking with Dave. I had started doubting before talking to him... it's because of my doubt that I did talk to him in the first place.
I don't know what to do now... when Animus is done taking care of other people's problems he'll come back and I'll need to explain my mood... explain what's bothering me... can I even bring this up with him? How would he react if I was to even suggest that I wasn't sure anymore. I would hurt him... I don't want to hurt him.
But... would I say I loved him if I wasn't sure? Wouldn't that be worse?
I wish I could figure this out... I wish this made sense.
Come on, Rozalin. Why do... Do you love Animus?
...
..
.
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*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
Getting My Head Straight
====================
I have to wonder if I was being too harsh, or thinking on it too much... but everything he said just sounded so... empty. Even if he spoke like he meant it... I couldn't help but feel like those words shouldn't have been said to me.
Animus had told me, a while ago, that he was married before. And that his wife had died in his arms... I hadn't known, but... he had moved on... she was gone.
Then yesterday he told me otherwise.
Apparently his former love, Aska, was rumored to have been alive before I had even come along. Animus had been waiting for her.... and then I showed up. He dismissed her... I have to wonder if he had actually believed that people who saw Aska were mistaken, or if he thought she wasn't coming. Either way, he told me she was dead... not even remotely possibly alive.
He still loves her.
Maybe that's normal... Maybe. I don't know. It bothers me... he acted as though it was a dillemma... as if the universe was forcing him to choose between her and I... and he didn't seem to know who he chose when I first talked to him... that bothers me. I can't explain it well, but after that... I couldn't see him in the same light. I couldn't see what we had as what I used to... I felt like I was just a replacement.
I had honestly expected him to go to her. Why wouldn't he? Why shouldn't he?
I asked him for some time to think. When he left I just sat there. I couldn't sort things out in my head properly. He eventually came back and suggested a walk on the beach in Elysium. I agreed, but probably shouldn't have. It felt different... His voice, his hand, everything just felt different... I felt like it shouldn't have even been me he was with... I couldn't believe it was supposed to be my hand he was holding.
He says he wants to be with me.
Why can't I believe him?
====================
I have to wonder if I was being too harsh, or thinking on it too much... but everything he said just sounded so... empty. Even if he spoke like he meant it... I couldn't help but feel like those words shouldn't have been said to me.
Animus had told me, a while ago, that he was married before. And that his wife had died in his arms... I hadn't known, but... he had moved on... she was gone.
Then yesterday he told me otherwise.
Apparently his former love, Aska, was rumored to have been alive before I had even come along. Animus had been waiting for her.... and then I showed up. He dismissed her... I have to wonder if he had actually believed that people who saw Aska were mistaken, or if he thought she wasn't coming. Either way, he told me she was dead... not even remotely possibly alive.
He still loves her.
Maybe that's normal... Maybe. I don't know. It bothers me... he acted as though it was a dillemma... as if the universe was forcing him to choose between her and I... and he didn't seem to know who he chose when I first talked to him... that bothers me. I can't explain it well, but after that... I couldn't see him in the same light. I couldn't see what we had as what I used to... I felt like I was just a replacement.
I had honestly expected him to go to her. Why wouldn't he? Why shouldn't he?
I asked him for some time to think. When he left I just sat there. I couldn't sort things out in my head properly. He eventually came back and suggested a walk on the beach in Elysium. I agreed, but probably shouldn't have. It felt different... His voice, his hand, everything just felt different... I felt like it shouldn't have even been me he was with... I couldn't believe it was supposed to be my hand he was holding.
He says he wants to be with me.
Why can't I believe him?
-
*LittleMissWonderful
- Posts: 64
- Joined: Thu Jan 01, 1970 12:00 am
More Thoughts
=============
My bed is cold. Very cold. I guess I am used to having Animus there now. But, still, the thought of bringing him back, it doesn't seem right.
I told him I need time. That, in itself, is laughable. How much time do I even have? All of my freedom is going to come to an end soon... and here I am asking for time to think. I probably could just let it all go and spend whatever I have left feigning ignorance. But that would probably just be worse.
He said he chooses me.
Why is it, then that I feel like he shouldn't? Do I want him to choose her?
I can't get my head around this. I can't even figure out what I feel right now. All I know is being with him just suddenly felt wrong.
He left me flowers.
I can't figure out what to do with them.
=============
My bed is cold. Very cold. I guess I am used to having Animus there now. But, still, the thought of bringing him back, it doesn't seem right.
I told him I need time. That, in itself, is laughable. How much time do I even have? All of my freedom is going to come to an end soon... and here I am asking for time to think. I probably could just let it all go and spend whatever I have left feigning ignorance. But that would probably just be worse.
He said he chooses me.
Why is it, then that I feel like he shouldn't? Do I want him to choose her?
I can't get my head around this. I can't even figure out what I feel right now. All I know is being with him just suddenly felt wrong.
He left me flowers.
I can't figure out what to do with them.